In which I recall the trust I have placed in him

My sex addict fiance has fucked with my head twice in two days now. He says I am stupid and frustrating. He cant stand me and wants to know why we bother. He has backed me into a corner verbally , where I can't say a god damn word without making him furious. He has the worst temper I have ever known. No one who professes to love me has ever talked to me like this. I talk him down, apologize, or just let him stew all night. This first time he was angry because I am not seducing him. I have no lust he says, and I agree on that. I have been feeling no sex drive. I have been acting like I do online, working on two web sites - getting paid 1 to 3 dollars a minute. I am acting like a horny slut for hours at a time, and when it comes to real life, I am having a problem feeling it. He says other women dont treat him this way, and I say he is nice to other women. He is working on charming them - and he lets the dogs out on me. He is brutally honest. I told him his opinion is not a fact, it is just an opinion. He says I am a lazy lover, and that he has been carrying the burden of initiating our sex for years. He said I just stand around in my underwear and wait for him to do something, I said I do just stand around and pretty soon you have your cock in me. It has worked for 4 years, I thought maybe if I seduced you, we would have sex 6 times a day instead of just 3. I am trying to make enough money at freelance jobs to stay flexible enough to travel to him every two or three weeks. The only flexible job right now has been web camming. Now he says to give up web camming and just visit him 2x a year if it means my lust will be back. I'm not flooded with 9-5 job offers, so that is not a choice right now, but I may have to cross that bridge soon. SO that was a 4 hour bitch session into the night, where we finally made up with me describing me seducing my black lover. I totally make up lies of infidelity now. He wants me to cheat on him and tell him later. This is totally unconventional and not monogamous at all, flying in the face of everything I knew about marriage.

The second time was not really a break up, but a stew all night. He needs to realize that I need a certain kind of mood and a certain kind of support to work nights camming on line. If I don't work nights, I don't make enough money. If I dont make enough money, I can't pay my bills. He is happy enough to let me pay for his flight lessons, but is very disruptive to my night time work efforts. I need to tell him to stop disrupting my online time, I get little chance to work enough as it is. On a busy night I need to stay on. I dont need his drama, I dont need to get in a raging fight. He cant stop himself, i dont know what kind of reigns to put on him, he has no empathy for me, no sympathy for my situation. He does not take any care not to upset me, it seems he goes out of his way to piss me off and then watches me burn up. He has no patience if I dont grab the phone immediately. I turned off his mike and then asked him a questions and he fucking freaked out because i forgot i couldnt hear him. I told him i need patience, i dont multi-task well. I get flustered, please just shake it off and dont get all pissy. We made up this am, but I am still feeling bruised and puffy.

My Own Damn Fault

Sister is moving out, bought her own house and I couldn't be happier. I actually could only be happier if she would actually fucking move INTO it. She has dragged around moving for three weeks. I helped her move some stuff last night. Yes the heaviest stuff she has in the house down the flight of stairs at my house and out to the trailer she has commandeered. Where are the men! Where the hell are the men flocking around to help the single cougar MILFs move? WTF? I am humping her heavy furniture down the stairs at my house and up the stairs at her new house mentally cursing her and her lack of snaring some hapless fool to help her move. Oh wait - guess that was me.

So I thought I'd help Miss Hoard move a few things since she was working all day, so I moved some hanging clothes from her closet at my house directly to the closet of her new house. Also box of sweaters she never wears, a table leaf blocking my pantry door and the lazy susan which belongs on the table with the leaf. Well, this was not acceptable. Help is only wanted in the order it is requested. So, for better or worse, she is stomping around here tonight moving EVERYTHING out of her closet and the master bath we share.

Well, if that is what it takes to encourage her to go sleep in her own house, so be it. OK she's gone for the night, now I got to go web cam...

I am a prisoner in my own life

Trapped ten ways to Sunday. Financially, physically, emotionally, geographically. Trapped by love, responsibility and a god damn huge mortgage. Trapped 2600 miles from home with no friends or relatives. No car, maybe no phone. Airplane ticket in two days. Arguing with my fiance because we were supposed to take the kids to a water park and I wanted him to take them by himself. They are his kids by the way. I wanted to make up some time on line web-camming and he made it this huge huge battle.

I dont even know how this will all end.

10 ways to know if there's a web cammer in your house

1. Piles of dildos and butt-plugs laying around the bed
2. School girl, nurse, teacher, lawyer and dominatrix costumes
3. Industrial size bottles of lube
4. loud moaning and/or filthy language coming from a locked room
5. Naughty stories on the bedside table (research)
6. Web cams set up on the top of several laptops
7. lists of nicknames and minutes under the mouse
8. new sets lingerie laying all over
9. Stripper name written on Starbux cups
10. Money apparentlty appearing from nowhere

It's a Machine and all Machines Break

So, I get a divorce from my husband of 20 years. Boring, stable, sex twice a week. I had three affairs, the last one ending the marriage. My ex does not really know this, so don't tell him when you see him. to make it slightly better - maybe I look like less of an asshole - I am still with the last affair, he is my sex-addict fiance. Long story long, because it is my blog and there's no charge for MB, I buy the husband out of the house for $60,000 that I borrow from my parents, and have paid ALL back but $59,500 or maybe it is $59,250 or $59,000 even. I did not really get receipts from my dad. ANYWAY everything in the fucking house is breaking. It wasn't so bad when I had a job, but now I don't have a predictable stream of income. Turns out my husband of 20 years did a lot of maintenance on the house. Turns out he was of a lot of use and now all jobs are falling to me to do, or pay to have done.

The list goes on and on:
The pool is totally f-ed up: cover, pump, filter, and the master drain is leaking. I replaced the salt system, and had the pump rebuilt. I used to have a pool guy, but I can't afford him and tried to do work in trade for him, which went poorly. Bartering is only for certain types of people.

Every faucet in the house leaks
All the door knobs are breaking off - they can't take the pressure of the doors
The garage door opener ate it's own gear up top, not the worm gear, the other one
The refrigerator
Now ta da! The sears kenmore front load washer.

SPECTACULAR!

My dad and I fixed the garage door opener
My sister, dad and I fixed the fridge.

Sears is coming today for $170 service call to look at the washer. I am just not up to it. I don't want to ask my dad to come over and look at it. This will probably hurt his feelings, but it is like asking him to look at a car with a black box. He is pre-black box repair. When cars had recognizable parts. OK - more later when I find out how screwed I really am with this thing.

How to be a Web Cam Model

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In which I admit I made a collosal mistake

This is my theory. My fiance is a sex addict. He needs to have 3-4 orgasms a day just to function. He stopped to jack off again yesterday after we had already had sex once, then got ready for work and drove me to the airport. We then had another story on the web cam later that night, after he got home from work.

He just broke up with me for the 5th time in as many months because I am not punctual in calling him to provide phone sex. He says I am not showing him the common courtesy in giving him a heads up that I got busy. I have called him in the past and got static for being busy. He had to be somewhere in a couple hours and I said I would call him with a sexy story. I got distracted, he is selfish and demanding, I fight back with reasons how busy I was - and lost track of time. Now we are in a huge fight, where he says he both loves and hates me. He just told me that I get by mostly on my looks. I never had looks until the last few years. Yes I blossomed at 30 fucking nine years old. I am a magna cum laude graduate with two degrees and a teaching certificate, once class short of an honors certificate (economics). I apparenty can't get a job right now to save my life, but I also haven't given it the old college try becasue I don't want a nine to five job. I want to be able to fly to visit said fiance many times a year. He called me an idiot and said he wanted to tear me limb from limb. He likes me mostly for my body. He says I'm artistic and creative and then comes up with how useless I am. I feel emotionally battered right now. He makes me question myself. He makes me wonder why I am putting up with his name-calling. When he is feeling particularly insecure, he says don't leave, don't ever leave me. Now he says he's packing up my shit. This time I yelled back at him, which is fuel on the fire. It never never helps to yell back at him. Why won't I learn. Why why why. I can't get mad and yell or he gets worse. I can't roll over and take it because he says I not fighting for us. Nothing I say is right. I have to be completely available to him at all times, and understand totally when he is working and can't get back to me.

He has now broken up with me three more times today, once in writing. I said I'll believe it when he cancels the phone. he says he is more frustrated with me than he has ever been in his life. I am pouring hours every day into maintaining this thing with him. I can't get a regular 9 to 5 job, that would interfere with our time together...so I tried to get a portable job. Turns out I have made myself into a web cam model, masturbating in front of strangers for money. How completely FUCKING ironic. I whore myself out to get a portable job and make ends meet and be available for him; now he calls me a whore getting by on her looks.