I am a prisoner in my own life

Trapped ten ways to Sunday. Financially, physically, emotionally, geographically. Trapped by love, responsibility and a god damn huge mortgage. Trapped 2600 miles from home with no friends or relatives. No car, maybe no phone. Airplane ticket in two days. Arguing with my fiance because we were supposed to take the kids to a water park and I wanted him to take them by himself. They are his kids by the way. I wanted to make up some time on line web-camming and he made it this huge huge battle.

I dont even know how this will all end.

10 ways to know if there's a web cammer in your house

1. Piles of dildos and butt-plugs laying around the bed
2. School girl, nurse, teacher, lawyer and dominatrix costumes
3. Industrial size bottles of lube
4. loud moaning and/or filthy language coming from a locked room
5. Naughty stories on the bedside table (research)
6. Web cams set up on the top of several laptops
7. lists of nicknames and minutes under the mouse
8. new sets lingerie laying all over
9. Stripper name written on Starbux cups
10. Money apparentlty appearing from nowhere

It's a Machine and all Machines Break

So, I get a divorce from my husband of 20 years. Boring, stable, sex twice a week. I had three affairs, the last one ending the marriage. My ex does not really know this, so don't tell him when you see him. to make it slightly better - maybe I look like less of an asshole - I am still with the last affair, he is my sex-addict fiance. Long story long, because it is my blog and there's no charge for MB, I buy the husband out of the house for $60,000 that I borrow from my parents, and have paid ALL back but $59,500 or maybe it is $59,250 or $59,000 even. I did not really get receipts from my dad. ANYWAY everything in the fucking house is breaking. It wasn't so bad when I had a job, but now I don't have a predictable stream of income. Turns out my husband of 20 years did a lot of maintenance on the house. Turns out he was of a lot of use and now all jobs are falling to me to do, or pay to have done.

The list goes on and on:
The pool is totally f-ed up: cover, pump, filter, and the master drain is leaking. I replaced the salt system, and had the pump rebuilt. I used to have a pool guy, but I can't afford him and tried to do work in trade for him, which went poorly. Bartering is only for certain types of people.

Every faucet in the house leaks
All the door knobs are breaking off - they can't take the pressure of the doors
The garage door opener ate it's own gear up top, not the worm gear, the other one
The refrigerator
Now ta da! The sears kenmore front load washer.

SPECTACULAR!

My dad and I fixed the garage door opener
My sister, dad and I fixed the fridge.

Sears is coming today for $170 service call to look at the washer. I am just not up to it. I don't want to ask my dad to come over and look at it. This will probably hurt his feelings, but it is like asking him to look at a car with a black box. He is pre-black box repair. When cars had recognizable parts. OK - more later when I find out how screwed I really am with this thing.

How to be a Web Cam Model

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In which I admit I made a collosal mistake

This is my theory. My fiance is a sex addict. He needs to have 3-4 orgasms a day just to function. He stopped to jack off again yesterday after we had already had sex once, then got ready for work and drove me to the airport. We then had another story on the web cam later that night, after he got home from work.

He just broke up with me for the 5th time in as many months because I am not punctual in calling him to provide phone sex. He says I am not showing him the common courtesy in giving him a heads up that I got busy. I have called him in the past and got static for being busy. He had to be somewhere in a couple hours and I said I would call him with a sexy story. I got distracted, he is selfish and demanding, I fight back with reasons how busy I was - and lost track of time. Now we are in a huge fight, where he says he both loves and hates me. He just told me that I get by mostly on my looks. I never had looks until the last few years. Yes I blossomed at 30 fucking nine years old. I am a magna cum laude graduate with two degrees and a teaching certificate, once class short of an honors certificate (economics). I apparenty can't get a job right now to save my life, but I also haven't given it the old college try becasue I don't want a nine to five job. I want to be able to fly to visit said fiance many times a year. He called me an idiot and said he wanted to tear me limb from limb. He likes me mostly for my body. He says I'm artistic and creative and then comes up with how useless I am. I feel emotionally battered right now. He makes me question myself. He makes me wonder why I am putting up with his name-calling. When he is feeling particularly insecure, he says don't leave, don't ever leave me. Now he says he's packing up my shit. This time I yelled back at him, which is fuel on the fire. It never never helps to yell back at him. Why won't I learn. Why why why. I can't get mad and yell or he gets worse. I can't roll over and take it because he says I not fighting for us. Nothing I say is right. I have to be completely available to him at all times, and understand totally when he is working and can't get back to me.

He has now broken up with me three more times today, once in writing. I said I'll believe it when he cancels the phone. he says he is more frustrated with me than he has ever been in his life. I am pouring hours every day into maintaining this thing with him. I can't get a regular 9 to 5 job, that would interfere with our time together...so I tried to get a portable job. Turns out I have made myself into a web cam model, masturbating in front of strangers for money. How completely FUCKING ironic. I whore myself out to get a portable job and make ends meet and be available for him; now he calls me a whore getting by on her looks.

Questionable Job Opportunities

So there's no jobs out there; I'm applying for anything and everything that looks like I could work at home, have a flexible schedule and make any money at all. My fiance is long distance. Neither of us can move right now. We have custody issues and he is trying to finish a contract to get early retirement. Ironic, if I get a regular 9 to 5 with 10 days vacation, we will never see each other. If I don't get a job, we will still never see each other because we won't have money to buy plane tickets. I say we are house poor, because neither of us can thrown down on the other's place.

Ask me later about how we have totally fucked ourselves financially by getting divorced right before a recession! We divorced because we weren't getting enough sex/affection. Now we have a bi-coastal releationship and we still aren't getting sex regularly.

Did I ask to get laid off? NO. But I hope the place goes out of business now that I'm gone, just because I'm mean. I have applied for anything telecommuting in either city we live in on Craigslist. I have sent in resumes to all sorts of other jobs (even 9 to 5s) just to try to meet the reqs for unemployment. I have almost run out of the first 26 weeks, so I will have to re-apply soon. Well, with all these resumes I send out, I have only had one face-to-face interview for a 10 hour a week job. I am so overqualified for this job it's hilarious, except that ditchdiggers need civil engineering degrees these days. I have also had one phone interview. So two interviews in 6 months. With an average of 5-6 applications or email sent out each week. That is 130 contacts made. That is 1.5% response rate! This is also going to be a completely honest anonomous blog, so there is no way to use it or refer to it on the job opportunity requiring social networking skills.

So I started looking at webcam jobs, or web chat jobs. I am fairly good looking, let's just say I clean up well. I got some nice elective surgery, right after the divorce was final, when I still had a paycheck. Well, when people say "Are those real?" I say "they are covered with my real skin..." or "I paid for them with REAL money..." I applied and sent pictures into one of the webchat sites. They appear to be just getting started. I got a webcam, but my fiance is the only one benefiting right now from it. I also did not really think about it, but I have limited hours I can webcam, unless I am at my other house. I have no privacy. Nights, I have only 10pm and later to webcam, days, I guess 10 to 2. But who wants to jack off for $5.99 a minute between 12 and 2. There are sites where you can sell movies, that may work.

So my other problems? My room is not a very good studio to webcam from, it is more like a library than a harem. I have three huge bookcases and a bookcase headboard. Fiance says it is "not a girly-room." He is planning to help me move out the bookcases soon. Also I guess I have to spruce up in case there's anybody who wants to "take me live." I am not really accustomed to sprucing up at 10pm, but I can start a new habit for $5.99 a minute. That's probably not what I get. I don't know what my cut is. One site pays $1.00 a minute, with Wells Fargo cards. This is the site that looks unfinished. www.performervideochat.com if you'd like to try and guess which one is me. Ironic that I am in marketing and can't market this site. I hope it is not an elaborate scan to get my social security number. That would be totally fucking ironic right there.

I did want to do phone sex, like run a 1-900 number. I did send an email for a job listing like that, but never heard back. A friend I mentioned this to (as a joke of course) said I wasn't fat enough for the phone lines. I'm taking that as a compliment, but I really think everything is going to the web! Gotta go my roomates are home.

One way to avoid foreclosure

So i'm unemployed. I have been unemployed for 6 months. How the fuck did I get to be dual kids, NO INCOME!!! First of all the house is built on family land, so foreclosure is to be avoided at all costs. To keep the house I had to get a roommate. So it could be worse, I could've had a stranger move in, with the potential to murder me and molest my two daughters... but no, my older sister moved in, with her son.

Pro: she's not going to murder me

Con: she could drive me crazy, so I need to be institutionalized

Pro: I have known her all my life

Con: I have known her all my life

Pro: she is helping with household chores and childcare

Con: she is creating more household chores and brought more childcare needs

So, in an attempt to avoid the asylum, I have decided to start an anonymous blog to vent all my frustrations. Let's start with her pets. She brought two cats and two dogs. All of which have annoying tendencies. One cat is almost 20 years old, gray, squashed looking half blind and fully deaf. She periodically yowls, not unlike a whiny two-year old with a double ear infection about to throw up. It makes me instinctively jump up, grab a bowl and try to catch barf. At all times of the day or night. The dogs are bringing in mud and chewed up all the pool toys etc on the patio, including, but not limited to balls, frisbees, kickboards and the kid's goggles. The carpets in the house are getting gross and I sweep up an entire cup of dog/cat/something hair from the floor every two days.

Besides the pets, my sister is a hoarder. I fully expect her to be on A&E someday, on that new show about compulsive hoarders. I will have been institutionalized so she will have taken over the house with newspapers, books, papers, DVDs, clothes, shoes, electric cables and broken knick knacks that "just need glued together." She puts everything in boxes in attempt to clean up, but then loses everything in boxes. She has lost her passport this way (no shit). She has saved years worth of bills, filed in boxes. She is a compulsive recycler, and can't throw anything away that could possibly be recycled. She brought a whole bucket of dead batteries over from her old house. I mean, can you just leave the dead batteries in your old garage for the ex-husband to get rid off please?

I also am sharing the master bathroom and one of the two walk-in closets. This is only a problem on weekdays when my sister has to get up and traipse through my room to shower at 6am. With NPR on. Turned up even louder while she blow dries her hair. NPR is great, dont get me wrong. If I had gone to bed at 10, this would be fine, but my long-distance fiance does not get off work until 11, at which point he would like to come home and talk for an hour or two. Including phone sex, complete with web cam performance. If I don't get some more sleep I will just get to the insane asylum faster...how ironic. Also my only job right now is teaching at the gym, and I could never teach enough classes to make a living, even if I did get a full night's sleep.

In further posts we shall examine the other issues at stake here:

My 12 year old rebellious smart-mouth nephew with no bedtime and no rules

My divorce because of a long-distance affair, which has turned into a long-distance engagement to a sex addict

My employment options, few and far between with unemployment insurance about to run out I am looking into webcam sex site employment

My other tenant(s) in my studio apartment, a bi-polar friend and her obsessive/compulsive son

All the shit in my house that breaks and I don't have the money to fix: the pool, the refrigerator,

Other shit that is bothering me. God my patience is running out.