Good Lord Will it Never End?

So Sex Pervert Fiance says he is BORED. He is bored with with phone sex. He is not cut out for a long distance thing. He wants a nymphomaniac, of which I am not. I don't have the money and he does not have the money or vacation to travel for the holidays. He has now broken up with me again, because there is and I quote "NO PASSION." Well mother fucker, it's 1;30 at night and you're fucking yawning on the phone, No passion runs both ways. So I finally said "call me when you miss me" because he said it was over. Well what a colossal waste of time and money. He doesn't appreciate me and everything I try to do. I am forcing myself not to fight half the time because it's not worth it. Plus it may all look better in the morning. Altho I havent really slept. The thing is, he wants me to have cheated on him. I lied about all sorts of encounters to get him off... then I have to maintain those lies.

How can Big Guys have such Small Cocks?

OK, so I got together with a guy from the gym. Stupid? Maybe... Jury is still out. He's married and looking for a friend with benefits. Says his wife has no interest in sex, and he caught her out with a guy once, who she lied about. I'm his first cheat, so I set the bar I guess. Now I am about to swear off men in general because they are so annoying. He's a power lifter and 280 or something - so I had a 280 pound bundle of nerves, and a worrier. So we met at my house and of course (cue ironic music) it is near his wife's sister's house. He is kissing me and licking me, and has already said he's never had furry pussy, so he's trying to lick it. Well he may never have it again. I was pretty turned off by his half grown in stubble from shaving his whole body. Then I went down on him, and what do you know - could barely find it. He had sent me cock pics on the phone which made it look average size, then he said several times he did not have a porn star cock, just an average one. Well let me tell you, it is not average. It is smaller than average, by quite a bit. I wonder who he compared that to, to call it average. Also, barely any balls. Weird, just a little widening of the shaft and I can barely feel any balls rolling! Sex-pervert fiance says it's from steroids, but he may just be jealous of the 280 pounds of muscle. It certainly does look like he would have a dick on him, but no - I get all the way to bed and I can't even feel it. Fiance was pissed at my careless cuckholding, which failed to show him any good camera angles. He pouted, called me in the middle and has put me off showing him sex with other guys ever again. Powerlifter was so nervous he had trouble getting hard, and frankly it's a good thing I did not expect a condom (he's tested safe and vasectomy-city) because I don't know if they make condoms that small, and it's seriously hard to get hard for a condom when you are so nervous. He thought he could go several times, he did cum twice, but was not very hard. Made a big deal about not eating me again after he came (big deal, you expect me to swallow it) and then he was so very nervous it made me pity him, not crave him. I forgive him the nerves and he was really sweet but I can't put up with all that for such a tiny dick. There, I said it. I have limited time, limited patience and apparently more criteria for girth than he can fulfill. I'm blaming it on fiance sex pervert, and saying he did not like me having sex and ignoring him. That's part of it, but the whole story is pretty crushing and would do no one any good out loud. I do think his wife has interest in sex, just not sex with him. And I can unfortunately see why. Also I think I'm allergic to his cum, which made me itch a little bit. BLAHHHHH Fuck men. I think I'll actually swear off fucking them.

Hidden Cameras

The irony continues: I am in an open relationship with long-distance fiance, sex addict and general pervert. We have tried many long distance kicks, one being that he likes to watch me have sex with other men on cam. This has several ramifications: 1. Sex with said "other man" must be within the voyeur's schedule* 2. Sex on a schedule is not sexy** 3. Sex must be performed according to pervert voyeur's camera angle*** 4. Other men do not know they are on cam which makes me nervous**** *Voyeur's Schedule SUCKS!!!!! he's off in the mornings which is NOT sexy ** Scheduled sex is not spontaneous and is hard to be aroused ***Voyeur is a huge baby and doesn't appreciate the effort involved to get a large man turned sideways on a queen bed. The other men seem to want to perform toward the headboard for more room and that's the way they are used to facing. This gives voyeur a view of the other man's back and ass, none of me having sex, as it is all blocked. I like to give in to the moment and the last thing I'm thinking of is the fucking camera angle. He doesn't understand this. ****I like big men, who could be very difficult to handle if they found out they were on cam without their permission. This, added to the above-mentioned all stifle my sex drive. Which at this point is in park.

The camming job(s) continue, with the addition of a second site last August, so one started Jan 2010 and the other Aug 2010. In addition, I have been freelancing on skype with guys I somewhat trust. They pay me via paypal. The boundaries of this job are 1) no one who knows my name knows I do this 2) I never give information on where I live short of "Central Florida" 3) I never plan to meet anyone from the site in person. 4) I have learned my lesson about trusting people. At least fiance came to A, to meet S. Who took pictures and said he wanted to start a website. He turned out to be a flake, which reaffirms my decision never to meet anyone in person and also I am glad I did not get any further into this than I already. So no website...ever.

In this economy (they are now calling it "the Great Recession" on the radio) it is obviously difficult to find a job. I am working 4-5 gyms subbing classes and desk time. I am piecing together 10 different jobs and renting the studio to a friend. I don't want a full time job, I want to be free to fly around. I want to visit fiance, or I feel the whole thing will crumble.

In which I swear off younger men

So my sex addict fiance wants to be cuckholded and is pushing me toward all sorts of encounters. He wants a used pussy. he wants me sneaking around on him, but has me practically handcuffed to a phone and a webcam. There is no time where I could sneak around on him. I have had a couple of guys have sex with me on skype, while my fiance is watching. One is in his 40s and one is in his 20s. I'm giving up on the 20s generation for now due to: rudeness, i.e. no thank you text. Difficulty with condoms, apparently uncut guys have extra trouble with them, so he complained the whole time. Lack of transportation. I had to pick him up and drive him home like a third grader. Lack of sophistication, I know wtf did i expect? Also mauling me, i really don't like things rough - so I keep repeating myself to take it easy. Then he says because of sports, he can't feel anything unless it's rough. Lack of hygiene: i don't want to give head to unwashed uncut cock. Also, in no particular order, when I showed him the alcohol cupboard he called me a "drunk." Are you fucking kidding me? The reason there's bottles there is because i'm NOT a drunk IDIOT. Also when he pulled out of me, he left the condom in - so I had to go fishing for it. I am just glad he did not have a chance to do my ass, which he wanted to, but I said no. Fuck that shit, no little boys allowed. So - too immature and the next time he asks, I will say that was the last time.

In which I recall the trust I have placed in him

My sex addict fiance has fucked with my head twice in two days now. He says I am stupid and frustrating. He cant stand me and wants to know why we bother. He has backed me into a corner verbally , where I can't say a god damn word without making him furious. He has the worst temper I have ever known. No one who professes to love me has ever talked to me like this. I talk him down, apologize, or just let him stew all night. This first time he was angry because I am not seducing him. I have no lust he says, and I agree on that. I have been feeling no sex drive. I have been acting like I do online, working on two web sites - getting paid 1 to 3 dollars a minute. I am acting like a horny slut for hours at a time, and when it comes to real life, I am having a problem feeling it. He says other women dont treat him this way, and I say he is nice to other women. He is working on charming them - and he lets the dogs out on me. He is brutally honest. I told him his opinion is not a fact, it is just an opinion. He says I am a lazy lover, and that he has been carrying the burden of initiating our sex for years. He said I just stand around in my underwear and wait for him to do something, I said I do just stand around and pretty soon you have your cock in me. It has worked for 4 years, I thought maybe if I seduced you, we would have sex 6 times a day instead of just 3. I am trying to make enough money at freelance jobs to stay flexible enough to travel to him every two or three weeks. The only flexible job right now has been web camming. Now he says to give up web camming and just visit him 2x a year if it means my lust will be back. I'm not flooded with 9-5 job offers, so that is not a choice right now, but I may have to cross that bridge soon. SO that was a 4 hour bitch session into the night, where we finally made up with me describing me seducing my black lover. I totally make up lies of infidelity now. He wants me to cheat on him and tell him later. This is totally unconventional and not monogamous at all, flying in the face of everything I knew about marriage.

The second time was not really a break up, but a stew all night. He needs to realize that I need a certain kind of mood and a certain kind of support to work nights camming on line. If I don't work nights, I don't make enough money. If I dont make enough money, I can't pay my bills. He is happy enough to let me pay for his flight lessons, but is very disruptive to my night time work efforts. I need to tell him to stop disrupting my online time, I get little chance to work enough as it is. On a busy night I need to stay on. I dont need his drama, I dont need to get in a raging fight. He cant stop himself, i dont know what kind of reigns to put on him, he has no empathy for me, no sympathy for my situation. He does not take any care not to upset me, it seems he goes out of his way to piss me off and then watches me burn up. He has no patience if I dont grab the phone immediately. I turned off his mike and then asked him a questions and he fucking freaked out because i forgot i couldnt hear him. I told him i need patience, i dont multi-task well. I get flustered, please just shake it off and dont get all pissy. We made up this am, but I am still feeling bruised and puffy.

My Own Damn Fault

Sister is moving out, bought her own house and I couldn't be happier. I actually could only be happier if she would actually fucking move INTO it. She has dragged around moving for three weeks. I helped her move some stuff last night. Yes the heaviest stuff she has in the house down the flight of stairs at my house and out to the trailer she has commandeered. Where are the men! Where the hell are the men flocking around to help the single cougar MILFs move? WTF? I am humping her heavy furniture down the stairs at my house and up the stairs at her new house mentally cursing her and her lack of snaring some hapless fool to help her move. Oh wait - guess that was me.

So I thought I'd help Miss Hoard move a few things since she was working all day, so I moved some hanging clothes from her closet at my house directly to the closet of her new house. Also box of sweaters she never wears, a table leaf blocking my pantry door and the lazy susan which belongs on the table with the leaf. Well, this was not acceptable. Help is only wanted in the order it is requested. So, for better or worse, she is stomping around here tonight moving EVERYTHING out of her closet and the master bath we share.

Well, if that is what it takes to encourage her to go sleep in her own house, so be it. OK she's gone for the night, now I got to go web cam...